The Swollen Foot King
by Goeno
Summary: Crack!fic! Oedipus totally circumnavigates his doom, much to Apollo's displeasure. Fourth wall breakage, and a genre savvy self insert. Also... Oedipus doesn't marry his mother... or does he?


The Swollen Foot King, Being a Parody of Oedipus Rex

Okay, so I was watching Oedipus in Theater, and got really, really sad. I pitied the poor guy. So, I decided to whip this up.

Once upon a time, a King named Laius did the Greek King thing and got to know a maid of Apollo very, very well. His wife Jocasta didn't care too much. Only bad Greek wives cared when their Greek King husbands did what Greek Kings do.

However, Apollo was VERY angry. As a deity, Apollo _has_the right to be angry, unlike Queen Jocasta. And so it was, that Apollo swore Vengeance! Which is what Greek deities do when they find out that their favourite maiden has been known that well. He sent his oracle to tell them that their son would kill his father and have unnatural children with his mother.

They had a baby boy anyway! But he didn't look a whit like Jocasta or all that much like Laius, either. He looked like the nymph that Laius had known, with an unnatural shock of red hair and bright green eyes... The jealous Jocasta gave him to a non-psychopathic shepherd to dispose of, after piercing his ankles together and binding his feet together. As for the non-psychopathic shepherd, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't kill such a pitiable, helpless little one...

But, a rescuer came! A fellow shepherd, but this one from Corinth, said that he would take the baby. The Rescuing Shepherd unbound his feet, and took him straight to his King and Queen, who were conveniently infertile. Because the shepherd informed them of Laius and the nymph's baby's origins, they thought it best to name him Oedipus, and raise him knowing his origins.

Minus the prophecy, because it's not like they heard that part.

Oedipus grew into a stellar gent, excelling at most things, and just being super awesome. The girls mostly loved him (despite his freckles) and the older men wished for his youth (also depite the freckles). He was fortune's truest child! Such a youthful boy man could hardly stay at home! His mother, Merope, and his father, Polybus held him close, made him promise to write, and told him he would always be their son.

Before starting out, he visited the oracle. Remember, Apollo's message bearing puppet? Let's see if I can snatch the reigns from Apollo, huh?

"Oh, cursed of Apollo, *koff koff koff* Father murderer, Mother lover. FATHER MURDERER, LOTHER MOVER! _**MA**__THER FORDERER, LUTHER MOVER!_

Oedipus didn't hear the muttered, "Maybe. Those were some mighty fine tugs in the other direction," as he darted out, howling and crying to the far winds.

"Mother. Father. I must take a wife immediately to avert the most twisted and odd of prophecies I've ever heard! Please, Mother, make sure that she does not resemble me in the slightest, and that she is a virgin, and not more than five years my elder! It is a bit necessary!"

"Please, son, tell us what the prophecy was," Polybus requested, highly concerned.

"My poor boy," exclaimed Merope, embracing her Oedipus. "You look as pale as a ghost! Tell us what happened."

"It said that I would kill my father and have unnatural relations with my mother! It may have said some other really crazy sounding things, but I was mostly too distraught to give it leave! Come to realize, the Oracle sounded a bit like a crazed child at the end..." And with this, Oedipus doubled over in silent laughter... For about half a second.

"Of course, my boy! Will you be postponing your journey?" his adopted father Polybus affirmed and asked.

"I will indeed, Father, and thank you," exclaimed Oedipus. "I will here and now swear an oath never to lift weapon to harm nor lips to kiss those who look old enough to be my parents! Amen! If I knowingly shall break these oaths, then may I be doomed to know that I am a father killer, and one who has had unnatural children with his mother!"

The oath was sealed, and a wife was found. As requested, she and Oedipus looked nothing alike. She was a brown headed playwright, and an obvious self insert. She was two years younger than him, (he was twenty two, almost twenty three) and _wasn't _one of the many girls who had a humongous crush on him.

"You're perfect! Absolutely gorgeous in your plain beauty! I _**LOVE you!**_" The same couldn't be said of Oedipus.

So they were married. After a long, glorious honeymoon (They had decided to go Over the Hills and Far Away from Polybus' court in Corinth) they conceived twins, two beautiful boys named Polynikes and Eteokles. Their mother called them Peretz and Eitan, respectively.

They eventually journeyed to a place where three roads met, after several years of travelling, and almost ran into Laius' road trip caravan thingy. But a red headed girl thingy with bright green eyes managed to prevent this.

"STOOOOP! Laius, please tell me you recognize our son!"

The older guy in the actual carriage paused and yelled, "Lyria! Is that you, oh fairest lady of Apollo! My son? Where is he? Please, invite him and his companions to sit with me!"

Goes to show, even Old Greek Kings mellow with age.

And so, after Lyria protested that she was nothing RESEMBLING a lady of Apollo's, Oedipus introduced his birth father to his wife and sons. They themselves were indeed handsome, and the spitting images of their parents. Eteokles had the red hair and stunning green eyes of his father, and the face of his mother. Polynikes (Peretz) had his grandfather's black hair, his father's strong facial features, and the green eyes. Laius was very pleased and impressed with them... But Apollo wasn't.

_"RAAAAGGGH!__It wasn't meant to be like this!"___Thundered Apollo. _**"You were supposed to kill your FATHER AND MARRY YOUR MOTHER!"**_

Then, the thus far unnamed self insert got her first lines.

"You can beat him, Oedipus! You are Fortune's truest child in this world! I know who you are! The son of a goddess from beyond the confines world, who has power over even Apollo and Zeus! If she wants you to rip a new ability from your posterior, she will make it happen!"

"After I am done battling Apollo, we shall have much to discuss, Diamesoutike." Finally! a name!

All of a sudden, a shield of light blossomed in the left hand of Oedipus, and a sword in his' right. He successfully defends his whole family from the blow of Apollo, except his' father. His father, and his father's entire caravan, (minus one measly servant, who's an incredibly fast runner) were blasted off the map! But Oedipus, Diamesoutike, Peretz, Eitan, and the little red head stood firm! Oedipus swung his sword, and forced Apollo into retreat! He! Was! Awesome!

"I WILL RETURN, and next time, you will not stop me!" roared the Villain.

"You rock, Dad!" Peretz exclaimed.

"That was soooo awesome!" Eitan concurred.

"Well, Diamesoutike, will you please explain what you said earlier?" Oedipus asked.

"Well, there's this writer in another world writing our story. Technically, she's the mother of all of us... and it's really confusing, especially for me," Diamesoutike admitted.

"Indeed it is," Oedipus agreed. "Shall we continue?"

They then came to Thebes, having been been told by Lyria that this was his' biological dad's city seat. There, they discovered the sphinx, and Oedipus defeated her riddle. After that, he became a hero in the city, and Queen Jocasta was even caught staring at him intensely. But Oedipus was already married, so the best she could do was adopt him as her son and heir. But still, even after the births of Penelope (Penny) and Ismene (Hopey or Tikvah) they remembered (And visited! Merope makes delicious cookies!) Corinth.

But a plague came along. Nothing really happened. Whatever died one day or became infertile another quickly sprung back to life. But it was a puzzle.

"My Queen, Diamesoutike, what must we do? It is a puzzle, even if one that is ineffective."

"Nothing. Apollo's just acting up again. The other me's getting rid of her soon."

"The other you? Are you... Are you like my mother, or something?" Oedipus said, blanching.

"Not really," Diamesoutike said. "Now let's go back to sleep."


End file.
